Worthy

Worthy is such a loaded word. It has so much power.

I can tell myself that in my imperfection, I am worthy, but my flaws gnaw at my mind. I can’t help but consider every action or inaction that makes me unworthy whenever anything bad happens to me or my family.

One positive thing about this way of thinking is that it makes me feel like I’m somehow in control of my life. If I win an award, it is because I did something to win that award. If I lose a job, it is because I didn’t do something, and lost the opportunity. This is the false security of a “meritocracy”.

As I look at it through the personal lens of my own life, I can see the falsehoods. Or I can try to see the falsehoods. If someone doesn’t love me, it’s probably more about them and their needs, then about me and my mistakes. I tell myself this. I am both comforted and unnerved by this. It isn’t my fault–but there’s nothing I can do about it. At least if it’s my fault, I can try and fix it. But the reality is that a lot of trials happen to us because of random events that we did nothing to deserve. Cancer. Storms. Diabetes. Economic downturn. Pandemic.

Are we unworthy?

No. I don’t think so.

Maybe.

Did I eat the wrong foods?

Did I vote for the wrong candidate?

What about all those containers I never recycled?

As a business manager, I got a slew of emails from headquarters talking about all the steps we needed to take because of Covid19… and then right after, I got an email asking, “Why are the numbers down for this quarter?” The implication is always, “What have you done wrong to be unworthy of the great feat of keeping our numbers always always growing?”

Ummmm see previous emails about pandemic?

And yet in order to have confidence in this society we have created, we must believe that if we work hard every day, we will be worthy of the blessings we hope to receive.

Of course, the double edged sword to this kind of thinking is that it leads to judgment of ourselves, our neighbors, and our family members. Why don’t we own a house yet? Because we are unworthy. Why did our neighbors file for bankruptcy? Because they are unworthy. Why did my parents get a divorce? Because they were unworthy.

How does this attitude translate to the current tension between Blue Lives Matter and Black Lives Matter? If that police officer wasn’t such a racist, he wouldn’t have shot that man. If that black man had just listened to the police, he wouldn’t have been shot. He is unworthy of consideration. The police officer is unworthy to be seen as anything more than a man who would shoot a black man in the back. His actions merit outcry. He acted as judge and jury and he should be treated like a criminal. The black man is unworthy to be seen as anything more than a criminal who acted poorly in front of an officer of the law and was shot because he chose not to follow the directions to the letter.

What are our options? How can we undo this kind of thinking?

The police officer is a man who daily sees criminals hurting others. He has probably witnessed a domestic violence situation where an innocent child was hurt by a criminal that he failed to stop. His friends told him there was nothing he could do to stop it, but the feelings of unworthiness weigh on him. He sees a man who looks like the man that he failed to stop before. This time he won’t let it happen. This time he will be worthy to protect the people. This time he will act.

The black man is a person who went to work every day for a man who constantly berated him. He never got the promotion. He never got the raise. He showed up on time every day. And then one day, he was fired. No reason was given. The police officer kind of looks like his old boss. Some one called the police because of a fight that broke out. He is trying to stop the fight. The police officer doesn’t understand. They never understand. If he could just get him to listen. He goes towards the two women fighting to make another effort to stop the fighting. As he steps away, the police officer shoots.

The narrative is heartbreaking. The mistakes are glaring.

You’ll listen to the side that you’re familiar with. I’ll listen to the side that I’m familiar with.

All of us will feel unworthy. All of us will reign down judgment on ourselves, our enemies, and our friends.

How do we stop it? How do we accept ourselves and one another through the actions that render us unworthy of redemption?

How do we love one another and hope for one another in spite of all the things that make us unworthy of love and hope?

We have to start with ourselves. We have to start by looking closely, deeply at our flaws and loving them. We have to allow God to make our weaknesses into strengths, not by eliminating them, but rather by understanding them, and loving them.

How do I love the cop that shoots the unarmed black man? I must sympathize with the experiences he has in the line of duty. I have to imagine the conversations he has had with grandparents he respected who fill him with false stories about the danger of the “other”. I have to imagine the fear he feels because of the lies he’s heard, how that fear must rule his day. What a tragedy. How can I unconditionally love him? I can love that this man who learned hate might also have the capacity to learn love. How can I imagine something more for him?

How do I love the unarmed black man lying dead in front of him? I don’t know. I am overwhelmed with grief for all he tried to be. I am overwhelmed with anger, with heartache. All I can do now is imagine the joyful embrace he feels as a loving Father in Heaven embraces him and he feels a joyful surge of worthiness for simply being.

How do I protect others? I don’t know. But I feel like unconditional love is the goal here. If we can find a way to teach one another unconditional love, starting with ourselves, we might find a way to evolve from a meritocracy to a society where we are all worthy of love, respect, and joy.

Heaven is a place of unconditional love. How do we create a heaven on earth? We can’t. There will always be roadblocks, mistakes, misjudgments, tragedies. There will never be a time when we do not struggle. And yet… I want to try. I want to try and see you through a heavenly lens of understanding and love. I want to try. Heaven will help us if we try. Whether we’re worthy of the help or not.