Funktion

Depression is such a weird trick. It’s almost like someone put a spell on you. I find myself staring at the table while life whirls around me. In the midst of my trance, the cat will bite my leg, Antonio will try and get me to look up, Dan will ask for avocado toast… And all I want to do is stare at the table.

This week has been the week of the stare off into space trance week. Through it all, I’ve managed to get some things done. I refilled Dan’s diabetes prescriptions, called my own doctor, and scheduled a therapy appointment for myself. It is the cruelest irony that when you need therapy the most, it is the hardest thing in the world to make a phone call and perform a function on your own behalf, but I did it! The lady on the phone at the counseling center I called was very understanding. You can tell she is used to talking to barely functioning people. I was proud of her for her patience and kindness.

I’m at work now. By nature of the environment I’m in, I feel mostly functional. I’m sitting up right, in front of a computer, and I’m answering the phone when it rings. Go me!

I guess what I’m saying is that despite doing the very bare minimum, I’m feeling proud of myself because I’m really only feeling up to staring at the table, and I’ve managed to do more.

My dad called me today. He told me about his week and his dog and his adventures. He asked me about my week. I couldn’t tell him. I just didn’t have the bandwidth to be able to express a thought without just crying. And no one wants to just hear someone blubber incoherently over the phone. I managed to just say, “There are things happening, but I am not in a place where I feel coherent enough to say anything right now.” He replied, “Well, I want to hear about these things, but at a time when you can talk.” He was very understanding.

Everyone is very understanding. It’s almost as though other people have faced the joys and sorrows of depression before. I’m grateful for the trials you have faced because it helps me knowing that other people get it.