What Does It Mean To Feel Good?

Thursday.

I went to therapy today. I feel good. I feel good BECAUSE of therapy. I felt myself healing in the sessions, and in the time between sessions. Today was odd because I babbled on about one topic after another. The therapist laughed with me and we just danced from one topic to the other.

At the end, I felt uncomfortable, unmoored. I know how to be in crisis. I feel like I have a number of immediate stressors that keep me from getting to the heart of healing. We’ve worked on the immediate stressors, and now it’s safe to move in and work on the core issues.

I felt this way doing Emotion Code as well. Every time we would muscle test about being ready to get healthy, the body wasn’t ready. I have this scary amount of weight hanging off my skeleton, but it is going to take a psychological break through for me to finally let it go. About this, I am sure.

After our joyful conversation, I mentioned that I wanted to get to work on my health and my attitudes towards my health. She smiled and said that we would get to work next week.

Now we get to see if I’ll keep the path clear for healing, or something will come up to distract me from the difficult work that lies ahead. Is it enough to want something? How do you work on something your heart is afraid of healing?

I don’t know. It’s all new.

Friday.

I had the strangest dreams last night. I had so much anger. I chose to get revenge in the weirdest ways. I poured wet paint into someone’s bed so that when they came to bed they’d be covered in it. I waited for them to come home and discover it! Of course, I woke up before that happened. I also went on a big bungee jumping type ride. It was scary, but really fun. It was supposed to be for two people, but because I’m fat, my friend had to wait her turn while I rode alone. The ride operator knew me and made the settings fit my needs. It was perfect. I rode the ride, waiting for my enemy to discover the wet paint.

And then I woke up and realized I have so many feelings to work through.

My therapist has told me that daily walking will help me to relieve some of my stress. The back and forth patterns helps the mind release the stress. I’ve been trying to walk more. But I’m not quite sure how to conjur the images that need releasing. I’ve learned that the mind will bring forward the images that you’re ready to release. But the point of therapy is that I’d like to be ready NOW. I don’t want to put off my healing any longer.

Come on subconscious! Let’s get this in gear! SERENITY NOW!

I read about how the mind will protect itself in times of stress this morning. We stop thinking of future events because we need to focus on the present. It was a wake up call. My stress over the past few years has definitely held me back from planning anything in the future. We are in survival mode.

But even in survival mode, you can be happy. I have learned to survive the daily emergencies, and the constant stress by finding joy in the present.

I came home from spending time with friends last night and felt my heart overwhelmed with love for my family and my home. We have no savings. We have little planned. The future is what it will be. But, we love each other. We are trying to be kind to one another. We are trying to help one another to be happy. I am realizing that even in stressful times, you are allowed to find peace.

Meanwhile, in my dreams, I am a vengeful weirdo who likes fun rides.

Perhaps the ride is a metaphor for my ability to find the fun in the ups and downs? That’s kind of cool!

In other news, I got the part of General Matilda Cartwright in Guys and Dolls at Hale Centre Theatre in Sandy, Utah! The show runs next summer. I am so happy. Life is good!

I will do my best to hold on to peace and feeling good in order to allow myself to heal more deeply. I will hold onto good in order push forward to great!