Gratitude And…

I really love the concept of gratitude. I think it helps to turn the tide when facing down darkness. President Russell M. Nelson asked us to write down things we’re grateful for every day in preparation for Thanksgiving. I think this year is a great year to put forth this effort.

I normally try to list things every day throughout the month of November. Thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday. My first favorite holiday is Easter. I like both of these holidays because they don’t require decorations or presents, and they do require kindness and food.

This year I forgot to do the list. Then President Nelson extended the challenge, and I’m doing my best to list things, but it’s harder. It isn’t that I’m not grateful, it’s that I don’t want to be insensitive or cause pain to anyone who is going without. “I’m grateful for my huge mansion! Don’t you feel grateful for your huge mansion Mr. Homeless person?! ” (insert maniacal laugh)

So then I decided to try to find a feeling of gratitude for the harder parts of life. It wasn’t as difficult as you might think. The magical thing about gratitude is that it sits harmoniously with other feelings. I can feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time. I can feel pain and gratitude. I can feel joy and gratitude. I also discovered that I don’t need to understand something to be grateful for it. Gratitude doesn’t have to come at the end of a journey when you’ve had plenty of time for hindsight.

The other day, I was driving my cousin Maren’s daughter Jossilyn and she said, “Everyone keeps giving me dolls. I have like six new dolls!”

I replied, “I think they’re just trying to help you to feel better.”

“Well, they’re going to have to give me dolls forever because I’m never going to feel better! My mom died!”

I smiled. In that moment of exasperation, I felt both sorrow and gratitude. I was so grateful that this little girl understood the significance of her mother’s passing, and that she felt free to burst forth with her sassy expression. I also smiled because it was such a Maren thing to say!

I’m worried about her. I’m worried about her brother. I am also so grateful that they are here with us, that they have their mother’s spirit and grit, and that they have a loving father who is determined to give them all the love and support he can give them.

I’m worried that in our efforts to be there for one another in this incredibly difficult time, we’re all going to get Covid19 and our lives will fall apart. I’m also grateful for the experiences we shared this weekend and I feel confident that we chose wisely.

If we all end up with Covid19 and we all tragically die next month, well, I am sorry to have added to the healthcare burden. I am also grateful for the life I’ve been able to live. It has been truly blessed.

In the meantime, I’m busy at work, feeling grateful for my employment and really perturbed that I can’t get a vendor to call me back about fixing something on the property.

As I think about it, I wonder if that’s the point of gratitude. Or the magic of gratitude. Because it’s something that can be felt and expressed in conjunction with other overwhelming feelings, you can use gratitude as a means to soften the overwhelming pain, confusion, or frustration. It doesn’t act in opposition to the current feeling, but rather harmoniously blends with your feelings. It doesn’t ask you to deny your pain or pretend it away. It doesn’t negate the sorrow or ask that you forgive your attacker. It simply sits with you and illuminates your experience. It illuminates our struggle and offers a trickle of levity, a trickle of patience, a trickle of curiosity. Maybe what happened was the best way this hardship could have unfolded? Can I feel grateful that Maren died at home with her family beside her, instead of being admitted into the drug trial where she might have passed away alone in the hospital? By inviting gratitude into my heart, my mind starts to whirl and I am led to wonder at what pains we avoided through small mercies.

There are a lot of people participating in the #GiveThanks challenge this week. It will help everyone in different ways. Gratitude is so personal. If you want to share your gratitude, I would love to read your words and give thanks with you. If you’re struggling with it, I would love to mourn with you and pray with you. There’s no judgment here. Just love.

Thank you for reading.