Turning a Corner

How do I describe this week? Ugggh…

I want to love my life. I want to take control and be happy. And in moments throughout my day, I’m happy. I am capable of finding joy in the moments. Perhaps I’m too satisfied with less than. There are times when I look at my situation and I realize that I need to conjure the need to want more. I need to believe that I deserve more.

It’s a tight rope between gratitude and ambition. I am good at being grateful for what I have–but not ambitious enough to try and make things better for myself.

I’m trying to turn a corner. I’m trying to expect more for myself.

Bishop Richard C. Edgely was my Stake President when my parents were going through their divorce. His words have always meant a lot to me. During conference, he talked about how Faith is a Choice.

This morning, I prayed to know if God is real. I feel on the edge of faith right now. I am too on the edge of everything, but most especially my faith. As I asked this question, I was reminded of moments when I learned the veracity of God’s existence. It wasn’t a warm fuzzy feeling, just certain moments were brought to my remembrance. But still, the moment wasn’t life altering.

Then today, the speaker quoted Bp. Edgely’s talk where he said: Faith is a choice.

I realized that knowing that God lives and Choosing to exercise faith are two very different things.

So, I’m rounding a corner. I’m choosing to exercise faith.

Another thought–the choice to exercise faith–like the choice that Christ made to atone for our sins–this choice is difficult. It is a choice fraught with sacrifice and with heartbreak. BUT–after the pain comes the resurrection, the new life. Choosing to be righteous is difficult. But, as sure as Christ lives–we will be blessed with greater joy and a new, sanctified life. That is the lesson of the resurrection–not only that we will live again–but that beyond the pains of today’s sacrifices–there is new life and hope for a joyful happy life here on earth.